Having children changes you. Not just the less-than-firm belly or the inability to pee without an audience. Children give you super powers. The jury is still out on whether dads get these super powers. I suspect that they do, but in the wise words of Bill Cosby:
[In regards to fathers] “Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.”
I believe it. I asked my dear sweet husband to grab me a diaper the other day. He glances around the room as if one would magically appear. He asked where they were. I said, “They are in the wicker basket in our bedroom, right under the secretary desk.” He looks at me with this blank stare and says “We have a wicket basket in our room?” After receiving a hostile look in response he disappears. He comes back a full five minutes later (our bedroom is the next room over, it wasn’t a long journey) and explains that the reason he was confused was because the basket is actually rattan, not wicker. Really?!?! It’s a basket! It has cloth diapers overflowing from it! It’s been in the same location for over two years!
I digress… The long and short of it is I’m not sure about those dads.
In honor of Mother’s Day, I thought I would share a few of the many super powers my kids have blessed me with.
My Supermom Powers
I can cross from one end of the house to the other without a single sound. Not a squeaky floor board to be heard. I feel like a cat bugler (especially late at night) or like that girl in that movie who does the gymnastics routine through the laser beams. What is that movie?
Why did I develop this superpower? Inevitably you will need to use the bathroom when your child is just about to fall asleep after bouts of crying. You’d hold it until the coast was clear, but pregnancy has damaged your body and prevented that ability. You have to get to the bathroom without making a sound or the crying starts all over again.
Similar to the Ninja Stealth, this is another sleeping child ability. You will have a baby who only falls asleep nursing (I know, horrible habit) or a toddler that has to cuddle to fall asleep (I know, another no-no). You’ve been laying there with them for over an hour mentally balancing your checkbook, brainstorming the solution to poverty, or singing an obnoxious kid song that’s stuck in your head. The time has come to sneak out.
The problem: They are on your arm or you somehow got centered on the bed and to brace yourself to rise, you will put pressure on the bed causing the child to roll and wake up. Keeping your weight evenly disbursed you have to contort yourself into strange positions until you reach a standing position, then ninja yourself out of there.
Human Lie Detector
I can sense a lie before it has even been vocalized. Granted my children are not impressive liars (not that I’m complaining). My middle child tried to convince me that the cat ate all the cookies that were hidden on top of the fridge. Since his ladder system was still in place, I highly doubted his story. I tried to get him to confess by playing on his emotions. I told him that we couldn’t keep a kitty that was going to steal cookies. Did he come to the poor cat’s rescue? Nope! He offered to go get the kitty crate from the garage.
Problem Solving Genius
When you have children you have to learn problem-solving. Life becomes much like that riddle about getting the fox, the goose and the beans across the river. I never could figure it out without someone eating something.
I’ll give you an example. I was out for coffee with my youngest and the dog. At the coffee shop, they had a bunch of empty cardboard boxes from their latest shipment. I asked if I could have them for my vegetable garden paths and they said I could. Here lies the riddle: I am parked almost a full block away. Even if I walk there with the toddler and dog, leave the dog in the car and come back to the coffee shop, I still have to figure out how to secure the toddler whilst carrying the large box full of boxes. You can’t leave the toddler and the dog in the car and come back for the boxes because that would be child endangerment. You can’t scoot the boxes to the car while leaving the toddler at the coffee shop. That would be another parenting no-no.
My solution; hooking the dog leash through the loops of the toddler’s pants, hold the leash in my teeth (my dentist hates me), and carry the boxes with both hands. So long as neither the dog nor the toddler sees something shiny, I’m home free.
In normal day-to-day life, I have terrible hearing. I’m that person that asks you to repeat yourself two or three times than nods like I heard you (even though I still have no clue). Crowded rooms or loud music? Forget about it. When it comes to the children, it’s a different story. I can be in a dead sleep and still I hear the second a child steps off their bed and onto the floor. Our out in the yard, hear something break in the house and instantly know what it was that broke and who the likely culprit is. I have hearing radar for phrases like “just do it, I won’t tell” and “don’t let mom hear you.” Much like the lying, I can sense a conspiracy against parents before the idea has been hashed out.
These are just a few of the superpowers I’ve developed over the years. I’d love to hear about yours. What powers do you have? Are you a Supermom?